Peeling back the layers

I woke up this morning with an unsettling feeling of angst, almost dread. I’m not really sure why. The highs and lows of cancer and depression can really take hold sometimes. It’s actually crazy because there has been nothing but positivity in my life lately. Yet somehow, this overwhelming feeling, the tightness in my chest, and the difficulty breathing decided to take over my morning and leave me wondering why.

I’m embarking on a new path—a reckoning between who I was and who I am becoming. I miss the old me, a lot! The predictable, secure, structured, stable me. The clinical laboratory scientist with the long, wavy red hair. She was smart, on point, had the memory of an elephant, organized to a fault, and disgustingly reliable. She was never late.

And now, here I am, recreating myself. It can be exciting, but it can also be scary. I’m still trying to figure out who this new me really is.

There are things about her that I really like. I go after my dreams with less hesitation. I experiment with my hair, my clothes, and my artistic side. I’ve always felt like there was this bigger version of me shoved inside a little box—afraid to be the person she really wanted to be: a little unstructured, a little weird, and a lot more fun. Someone who pays attention to the little things that matter instead of always being focused on the everyday must-dos.

Maybe I’m not really reinventing myself after all. Maybe I’m just peeling back the layers, piece by piece, to get to the core of who I’ve always been—and learning not to cover her up or hide her from the world.

Either way, it’s a process. And right now, it feels both exciting and unsettling to not know exactly where it’s taking me.